Hobbit Cookery

Some of the dishes for the wedding at Falcon Hollow, along with a spirited discussion of their preparation, as well as a short tale of a Hobbit hunting expedition.

edwardstanford, ednoria, kugelblitz, simplesimonsez, Chickenhat

Baked Mallard

To bake a Mallard. Take three or foure Onyons, and stampe them in a morter, then straine them with a saucer full of vergice, then take your mallard and put him into the iuyce of the sayde onyons, and season him with pepper, and salte, cloves and mace, then put your Mallard into the coffin with the saide juyce of the onyons, and a good quantity of Winter-savorye, a little tyme, and perselye chopped small, and sweete Butter, so close it up and bake it.

Marmalade of Quinces

Marmalade of Quinces, red. To make red Marmalade of Quinces, take a pound of Quinces and cut them in half, and take out the cores, and pare them; then take a pound of Sugar, and a quart of fair water, and put them all into a pan, and let them boyl with a soft fire, and sometimes turn and keep them covered with a pewter dish, so that the steam or air may come a little out: the longer they are in boyling, the better colour they will have: and when they be soft take a Knife, and cut them cross upon the top, it will make the syrup go through that they may be all of the like colour: then set a little of your syrup to cool, and when it beginneth to be thick, then break your Quinces with a slice or spoon, so small as you can in the pan, and then strew a little fine Sugar in your boxes bottom, and so put it up.

Perytone Pie

To bake the humbles of a Perytone. Mince them verie small, and season them with pepper, Sinamom and ginger, and suger if you will, and cloues & mace, and dates, and currants, and if you will, mince Almonds, and put unto them, and when it is baked, you may put in fine fat, and put in suger, sinamom and ginger, and let it boile, and when it is minced, put them together.

Unicorn Filets

Bacon larded-frumenty honeyed unicorn filets, delicately poached in essence of black pudding.

A dish with a bite.

Nonsense. Black Pudding has a strong acidic flavor that makes a fine accompaniment to red meats or game, but that completely overwhelms the more delicate flavors of the angelic meats. A Baby Gelatinous Cube Cerviche would be more appropriate.

This reveals your ignorance of the jellies in general, and the predator meals specifically. Cerviche is a raw preparation which relies on acidity to sterilize the food, and incidentally providing flavor, as in lime juice and raw meats or fishes. To use that with something which is already acidic like a gelatinous cube would result in an agonizingly hot sauce capable of dissolving organic containers. Therefore it could better be used as a tenderizer for previously inaccessible viands, such as a rioux of bullet hide or perhaps a risotto and ankheg chitin preparation.

Served with a suitable wine of course. Mead would change the basic message from “Felicitations and welcome to you new daughter in laws drunken lout of a brother” to “We know about your troll porn collection and would you share the juicier bits about Toys That Constantly Revive with us”.


Ridiculous. Marinate the fillets with honey and ginger, allow the baby Cube to ingest them, wait three to five rounds for its digestive juices to start flowing, and apply Shocking Grasp to stun it before the meat is overcooked, then Ice Sphere to chill the gelatin so it may be sliced easily. It must be served fresh, as heartburn can result if the ‘Cube recovers before you have time to complete digestion. But brief exposure to the weaker juices of a baby ’Cube do not overwhelm the flavor, and it is marvelous paired with a hard cider or a dry White. Anyone would think you’ve never studied Magically Aided Food Preparation.

The use of an Adult ‘Cube to tenderize difficult meats is of course a staple of Troll cookery, and can have a pleasing rustic effect. But more sophisticated palettes will usually prefer the application of a specialized Polymorph spell to transform the meat’s texture while preserving the original flavors.

It’s not so much that you eat the gelatinous cube, but it IS a somewhat traditional substitute for traditional cooking. Rub a (live) pig with garlic oregano and bay leaves. Feed it to the cube, which is imprisoned in a specialized tureen. Bring it out to the banquet and then set fire to the cube. If you time everything right, the acid from the cube has “cooked” the pig and infused it with the garlic and spices. The flaming cube makes an IMPRESSIVE centerpiece.

Point of detail, both practical and cultural, is that in the city of Kaer Maga the troll augerers cast aside their used intestines which are then grilled and served as alms for the poor.

Moby Bullette

by Kugelblitz

Plot summary:

The story of a trove of cooks, butchers, spicers, peelers and prep boys all equipped and aboard a hefty series of wagons. They go a roving into the wyldes looking for exotic foodstuffs, the rarer and more dangerous the better.

An excerpt:

Lookout- Chef! I spy with my little eye a Laaaaaaand Whale!
Waggon Chef-Deploy the LURE!

A little windup hobbit doll covered in bacon grease and attached with triple roved anchor chain darts noisily and haplessly out into the meadow…

The harpoon hobbits quickly brush some extract of Umber Hulk gland onto their wax covered harpoon barbs. The under chef yells, “Mark! We have fifteen seconds!” He strikes a small gong.

An impossible eddy curls around the glonging lure and a then first a dreadful fin and now a gaping maw swallows the lure. Bronze thewed arms wheel in unison and Lo! A small quarted of sharpened cutlery falls upon the swarthy crottled shell! The Bullette SOUNDS! Chain rattles in a blurred line out of a coiled barrel! Drovers frenzied strike the wheels off the Grate Waggon as the anchors are set behind.


The Waggon chain is snugged against a mighty spindle and then lurches forward a few inches. A furrow leaps up from the meadow, there! In the distance a Bullette, much taken with his circumstances is propelled to the surface by the arrest of his progress! His fins wave feebly.


The beast does not have a chance.

Hobbit Cookery

Second Breakfast Chickenhat ednoria